Monday, December 18, 2006

I’m sitting in the living room writing by candlelight with incense burning and soothing music playing. Tonight is a night for quiet reflecting.

I think this is what used to be called a midlife crisis, this thing I’ve been going through. I remember back in those days when I was reading Jung, he wrote about the midlife issues that arise in one’s thirties. I should try to find his writings on the subject. It might help shed some light on my issues. I told John I had made a decision that on January 1 I would be normal again. He’s never seen me normal since I’ve been going through this crazy phase--the whole time I’ve lived out here. It’s been a long time since I felt normal. And what is normal for me? When I’m normal I’m a powerful spiritual being. I’m a force to be reckoned with. Put to use that force could do a great deal of good somehow, some way in this world. When was the last time I felt that power within me? It’s been years now. I need to come back around to embody that deeper, fuller expression of myself. I’ve become so chronically stressed that I can’t get beyond the feeling of anxiety in my chest to any experience of power. When I used to radiate power it would seem to begin in my chest, but now there’s too much stress in the way. At times, usually when I’m driving up we’re back on I-76, and I reflect on the anxiety in my chest, I get the sense that it’s a façade only. The stressed feeling is only surface deep but it masks this profound grief. I have yet to have a chance to delve into it deeply, but I suspect when and if I do, and if I’m able to resolve it or come to some sort of understanding, my anxiety will vanish. What do I grieve? It seems to be tied to S. and sometimes to Grandpa. The last time I had a night like this and had also lit candles and burned incense I had this sad longing to have either S. or Grandpa just sitting in my green chair, keeping me company with their presence and conversation. At one point the scent of the incense morphed into the scent of Grandpa’s pipe tobacco. He felt so near and yet not nearly close enough. I miss having a deep soul connection with someone, someone who can come and sit in my living room in the flesh and blood.

I’ve realized also recently that I miss dancing. True, at the Dances of Universal Peace I really didn’t feel a connection to most of the people there, but energetically what we did as a whole group was absolutely amazing. I have nothing to raise my energy the way those dances did. Dancing was my spiritual practice. It kept me centered and it helped keep my energy heightened to spiritual plane. Maybe partly why I’ve lost my way is because I lost that way of keeping myself tapped it into Spirit. Even contra dancing raised my energy. Dancing is just spiritual for me, I think. I wish it were possible to start dancing again, but it’s just so impractical living out here when all of the dances are in Denver or Boulder or Fort Collins.

Back to the anxiety thing. I was remembering the time back in 1991 or 1992 when I had the same issue. I remember sitting by that stream and meditating and having a conversation with my chest and how my chest was telling me it was protecting my heart. It seems to be the same thing now. I think the stress just masks a wounded heart and I don’t think I’m just grieving S. and Grandpa, I’m grieving about the events of the past few years, all of the hardships. It seems I could never just stop and grieve each event, to break down and weep for the pain of each thing. So my chest just held it all. If I stopped holding, if I acknowledged it all and let it out, maybe my heart would open again and I’d begin to come back into my power. Cognitively all along I’ve known that “All is well.” I know I am cared for and protected and that no real harm can ever come to me. And yet I fully immerse myself in the drama of my life, reacting as if none of that were true. Why all of the fear, worry, and anxiety when I know no harm can come to me? Why do I engage in it the way I do? The important task for me, if I want to be “normal again”, is to open my heart. Then I can come back into my real power and once I do that then the rest of my life can fall into place. See, right now I’m so lost I can’t begin to see what my life’s purpose is. I want to do something worthwhile but I can’t see what that might be. I hope that once I find my center my way will become clear.

I’ve been having a lot of past life memory flashes in the past week or two and many flashes of memory from my blissful childhood, most of them of our cabin vacations. I think this is all a good sign because these types of flashes haven’t stirred in me much for very long time. Also about a week or two ago there wasn’t a day that passed when some little tidbit of a dream didn’t come true later that day. And in the waking world there are definitely some stirrings inside of me, so maybe there’s some hope yet.

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