The overwhelming process of moving and getting settled in continues. The house I’ve rented is tiny, really just a small cottage, so I’ve had to do some incredible downsizing. I’m still in the process of sifting through all of my stuff and trying to decide what to do with it all. Some of it is in storage in Fort Morgan, some of it is crammed into the tiny storm cellar under the house, some will be donated, recycled or sold. It’s amazing how much stuff I’ve accumulated over the years—shocking, really. How much stuff does anyone really need?
Living in this house will be a really good thing for me. I love simplicity—now I’ll really have to practice simplicity. I’ll pare things down to the bare essentials, only keeping what’s most necessary or what gives me the greatest pleasure. Plus, I’ll spend less money because before I make any purchases I’ll have to ask, “Do I really need this?”, and “Where will I put it?” That should weed out a lot of unnecessary spending.
How do I rid myself of the notion that money corrupts. How do I give myself permission to have things? What does money symbolize for me? I guess not having any is another way I box myself in and limit possibilities. Is the world really that scary when you have total freedom? How many boxes can a girl create? Why do I want so many boundaries around myself?
Not having any money seems maybe to be a childish way of not accepting full responsibility for my life. It’s a way I don’t fully accept this life I was given to live. I can’t reach my full potential boxed in like this. I need elbow room.
The thing is (I always seem to get back to this when I really look at who I really am, truly) is that if I were to break out of this box I would be a damn powerful being. I know what incredible power lurks inside me--and I mean incredible power. Unleash that on the world and look out!
Why am I so afraid of my own power? Why do I fight so hard to control and contain it? Is it that I would be noticed, and if so, why don’t I want to be noticed? Why am I here on earth if not to show up and be seen? Good grief, how did I get from finances to the being-seen issue? Alright, I need to be seen. I can’t hide from life.
Where does this habit of hiding originate from? What could possibly be the danger of showing up? If I look at all the little remnants of past life memories I can dredge up it seems I spent many very solitary lives, and in the few where I did show up I was punished for it. So maybe I haven’t really had much practice. I’ve been an introvert for too many lifetimes and haven’t developed the extraverted side of myself. Maybe this is the lifetime where that needs to happen. There’s no more work to do in developing introspectively. That part of me is whole and healthy and has reached its full potential. Until I focus on developing extraversion I will remain stuck and stagnant. It feels really hard because it is. This is an aspect of myself that is way underdeveloped. It’s going to require a lot of hard work and persistence. There’s an incredible inertia built up over many lifetimes that has to be overcome. I got comfortable just doing what I was good at over and over and never tried to stretch my wings.
OK practically speaking, what can I do? I need to be on the phone every day talking to people. I need to cultivate new friendships and do it in an active way--not wait for people to show up. I need to pursue every business contact I have.
Alright, I’m feeling bogged down and stressed already. That last one--pursue every business contact--got me. It feels too broad, like I’ll end up wasting too much energy going in too many directions instead of the few that might actually get me somewhere. This is where I always get stuck. I run around like a chicken with its head cut off, trying all sorts of things to generate business even if they don’t really resonate with me and feel right. I need to figure out what resonates and pursue only those leads. Like Lynn Grabhorn says, I have to be able to get my energy up and feel the goodness of these possibilities or all my actions will be empty and fruitless.